parasite jones

i am sad to announce that jonesy has been preoccupied with another closely clinging group of individuals: cryptospiridium. although the past nine months have been filled with my efforts to continually reassure myself that i am jesse's one and only, others infilitrated his heart--well, his small intestine.

allow me to start from the beginning.

it was a calm, temperate tuesday afternoon during the first week of school. my husband was complaining of stomach ... discomfort, so i volunteered to go to his class for him in order to pick up his syllabus. i arrived home to find my wonderful in-laws perched on our couch (they stopped by boise on some travels in order to take jesse out to dinner for his birthday), anxiously looking toward the bathroom. my interest piqued by their positioning, i rounded the corner to find little jonesy camped out on the bathroom floor with a blanket and pillow, shivering and hyperventilating.

debbie (mother-in-law) and i swiftly set off to the nearest pharmacy to find something to make him feel better. it wasn't long before i received a phone call from larry (father-in-law). jesse was freaking out, and i needed to get home. thanks to the inept traffic skills of many boise residents, i didn't make it home before larry called again. this time he informed me that the paramedics were on their way.

i returned home swiftly to find that jesse was in no good state. all the muscles in jesse's body had contracted. he couldn't move. he couldn't talk. he was hyperventilating significantly more. he was white as a sheet. however, in true jesse fashion, he was keenly aware of his situation and making what i'm sure was very intelligent commentary. however, because all his mouth muscles were contracted, we only received a muffled version of his comments. the entire situation was, in a word, terrifying.

the firemen showed up first, and they were great at getting in there and helping jesse. then the paramedics showed up and helped jesse roll to his side (he couldn't really move). jesse began to tell them all about his medical history (still in his strange, muffled voice), including all of his latest blood test results from his latest physical (i'm fairly certain he remembered the exact number of his white blood cell count...). the paramedics told jesse that he probably couldn't move because he was dehydrated, had lost his electrolytes, and was losing his carbon dioxide because he was hyperventilating. they needed to take him in. the paramedics and firemen worked together to transport jesse down the stairs of our apartment building, and we emerged to see our parking lot filled with firetrucks and ambulances. in retrospect, i realize that this moment was the closest we will ever come to being rockstars. jesse was harnessed in the back of the ambulance, and i got to ride shotgun over to the ER.

as soon as the paramedics got an IV into him, jesse's muscles started to loosen up. a few hours later, when he could start using his hands again, we both knew that he had made it over the rough part of the mountain.

after a few hours of humiliating tests and gilmore girls reruns on hospital tv (i wasn't complaining), we soon found out the root of jonesy's suffering: parasites. apparently they are going around ada county. i also found a newspaper article that says they're going around utah (be careful, utah friends!). the doctor asked where we had been swimming. luckily, losers like us don't even get parasites swimming (because we don't actually have time to go swimming). jesse most likely got the parasites from someone else who was lucky enough to go swimming, unlucky enough to pick up a few microscopic friends, and unhygienic enough to pass it on. awesome.

i think that this may go down as jesse's favorite birthday celebration of all time.

i must admit, i'm glad the ordeal is over and hope that i never have to see my jonesy in such a state again. however, don't think that the experience has not had its funny moments. two conversations i had at work yesterday:

me: jesse has a parasite

co-worker: other than you? how much can one man take?!?

me: jesse has a parasite

different co-worker: what? does that happen in america?

bottom line: wash your hands. and avoid public restrooms. just don't leave your house again. ever.