maternal ramblings: volume I

my mom always told me that being a mother is the best way to learn charity. since she is an expert on this mothering business, i knew she was on to something. but for some reason, i blocked out the "learn" portion of this statement, and assumed that charity just comes innately the moment a baby is born.

penelope's delivery was actually better than i had expected. i spent so much time psyching myself out over the terror of a c-section that i had made it out to be much worse than it was. sure, being paralyzed, mostly naked and strapped to a table in a room full of strangers is a bit unsettling. but as soon as jesse got to come into the room with me, it was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. (this was the first of a million times i have asked myself how in the world some people do this on their own.) i will never forget the doctor's remarks during the surgery "wow, that is a lot of hair." "that is a really big baby." "how big of an incision do you think you need to make to get a baby that big out? AS BIG AS I JUST MADE IT!" (i imagine he was mentally high-fiving and chest-bumping his surgical team during the final comment.)

when i saw penelope's little face, i started laughing and crying at the same time. and the weirdest thing? i snorted. twice. i never snort. i have never felt so overwhelmed with joy in my life.

and while overall the experience has been 90 percent bliss, it's been difficult. people tried to warn me that the first few weeks of having a baby are hard. and i (mostly) believed them. but i had no clue.

none.

so far, i spend much of my time at home feeling like my life is oddly akin to groundhog day. the same thing over and over again. maddening. exhausting. desperately searching for some kind of relief. a combination of constant feedings, diaper changings, need to rest and recover and nearly total isolation (in an attempt to avoid exposing the baby to the joy of RSV season) isn't always a flattering fit for me. i have been known to devolve into what jesse and i refer to as "that crazy lady" that takes over my body.

luckily, i have received such thoughtfulness from other people. meals, visits, phone calls, gifts. it's been unreal. my dear sister even spent an entire afternoon in my bed with me after i passed out and was instructed by the husband that i wouldn't be going anywhere that day.

these acts of charity have begun to show me what it means to be a mother. selfless, patient and loving to no end. the selfless and patient part are still slow coming. but when i look at this little thing, the loving portion is completely effortless.

here's to working toward the rest of the combination.