Wednesday, April 9, 2008

wishing my life away?

growing up, my dad always emphasized to never start wishing your life away. every time i start to say something to him like "i just can't wait until..." he interrupts me and emphasizes how important it is to live--and enjoy--each day despite, and sometimes because of, its difficulties. after all, no day will ever feel entirely perfect. it seems like sage advice from a man who has worked so diligently to make his life meaningful and has become a personal hero of mine.

still, there are days like today where i feel like i can't help but wish i were somewhere else, doing something else, so i'm just going to say it. i am so sick of school. i don't ever remember feeling this way in my life. even when i finished my undergraduate work, i left feeling like i had just warmed up. now i feel like even completing the simplest assignment is pure torture.
i can't wait until i'm done with my MA and can start enjoying reading again. i feel like the bureaucracy of the degree has distanced me from a close, life-long friend.

i can't wait until i am done teaching. i can't wait until i can stop having to deal with the dishonesty, laziness, and disrespect that i encounter from my students much more frequently than i had ever anticipated. i know that i have some great students, but i can't help but feel so bogged down from all of the crap that comes with the job.

so, while i appreciate the opportunity and recognize how great all of this is--life-altering and whatnot--i'm over it. sorry, dad.

11 comments:

Unknown said...

Hang in there Beckruck! You can do it. Just keep the end in mind. When that day comes you'll be so proud you stuck it through! AND you will have accomplished something a lot of people have only dreamed about.

jana said...

You just made me so sad for you! Not because I pity you, but because you are, by far, the smartest person in our entire MA program and I'm sad that BSU has killed your spirit. :*( I think you need a smoothie. Tucker up, little buddy! Future brilliance awaits your touch...

Diane said...

I have two things to say to this post: I am so with you and Hear, Hear!

I am also over school and really just looking forward to being able to read whatever I want, whenever. I feel like this degree that was supposed to increase my appreciation for literature has really just sucked the life out of it. What gives?

rachel garber said...

Hey! I hope you hang in there - you'll have a Master's! I am so jealous :) Mine will come, after the teaching certificate . . . it's a long haul. Anyway, yes, Thursday the 17th is wonderful. Tell me what time and where (as long as we are done in time for Dunder Mifflin of course!)

rachel garber said...

P.S. LOVE the Lost reference left on my blog. I wish I was witty enough tonight to respond in such manner. Maybe another time.

Andrea said...

but your presentation today was so good!!! you know what? blame it on spring fever. and puh-lease. we are all dreamers (sorry mr. davis!)... you're allowed to dream. however, i do have to say that your wrongly constructed dice brightens up the office. much thanks.

Stephanie said...

ive felt like this about work for for-ever-ever-ever: pure torture! i get it.

luckily neither school nor work is endless for either of us! yeah!

i am excited for you to be done and move on to the next phase of your life: wherever and whatever it may be!

Auntie M said...

Isn't it funny how our interests change as we are completing a chapter in our lives?
Is it because we are suppose to move on and we need to be completely SICK OF IT????

Ali said...

that's an important lesson your dad has shared with you... thanks for the reminder.

however, i feel no guilt in wishing away andrew's college education. two more weeks... the fact that he is planning on a masters in engineering is an idea that i have tucked quietly away in the back of my brain

good luck... i hope you're reunited with the pages of a good book very soon.

Ali said...

pssssst... will you e-mail me your address so I can send you a birth announcement?

ali.flegal@gmail.com

Danke

Grifter said...

awesome...now I am stoked for graduate work.

thanks, RDJ